Elwin Review

More or less transcribed from an accidental interview in a Cowboy Bar, East of Butlins. Exclusive to An Idiot’s Guide To Dreaming.

Me: Alan, don’t you think that TV could be improved?

AV: Vietnam is the new Gulf. Tanks coming round the cor-ner…

Me: I mean, everything should be more related - don’t you think? That everything should be related - so that the actors are really characters and they drift through various types of programmes, doing their thing, being themselves and seeing what happens…

AV: I’m not sure-

Me: I dunno. I guess I mean that, say the Lucy Liu character from Ugly Betty… what if she were to pop up in all programmes, once in a while? The Ugly Betty appearances would be more often because currently that character is where she’s at, if you know what I mean…

AV: No.

Me: Well, she might turn up in Tikkabilla or something but be the same character, have the same issues and so on… She could relate to what happened in the Ugly Betty storyline but also remember her past life in Ally McBeal, that film with Mel Gibson where she was kind of a dominatrix.

AV: I… Blast First?

Me: Yeah, and she’d hook up occasionally with other Ugly Betty characters playing it straight in other shoes. Shows, I mean. Other shows. People turning up in Coronation Street or Friends re-runs… I think she’s work well in Dr Who. I can’t believe they haven’t thought of that.

AV: The timezones wouldn’t work out… The Costume Drama Fuck Machine.

Me: One example among many. I always liked that phrase, is it from Beckett? - “he kicked him amongst the balls…” - I can’t remember.

AV: And you’d be stuffing popcorn, watching Supernatural or something and Johnny Vegas as the guy in Ideal would stumble on.

Me: You’re near namesake.

AV: Exactly.

Me: And people could follow characters through various shows, rather than follow the shoes themselves… It would be a new way of watching TV. People would watch anything with the Lucy Liu character in, whatever it was.

AV: What’s with Lucy Liu?

Me: It’s just an example.

AV: I always thought someone should make a film with the entire cast of another show, acting differently - context-dependency, if you will - but still being them. Consistent.

Me: It’s a good idea.

AV: It’s a great idea.

Me: After all, as it is, the characters aren’t even that consistent within their own shoes. I hate that in Eastenders, when people suddenly go evil.

AV: I hate it when anyone goes evil.

Me: Exactly.

AV: We should write that film. Get the entire cast of Hollyoaks.

Me: Put them through the mill.

AV: A different mill.

Me: Maybe something like Lucky Number Slevin.

AV: [INAUDIBLE]

Me: Or the Transporter, with Jason Statham. I think Max from Hollyoaks would make a great getaway driver. Eyes close together.

AV: You may be right. I hope he is the new Doctor Who.

Me:

AV: Jason Statham. We need more high kicks.

Me: The more the merrier.

AV: Get him kicking his way through Dalek teeth one day then pulling limbs from Where The Heart Is extras the next.

Me: I’d like to see that.

AV: We’d all like to see that.

Alan Vega - 13 Crosses, 16 Blazin Skulls (edit)

A Yousendit Brokenbacked Electronia

A musician who has been hiccuping for the last five months has launched a blog in an attempt to find a cure.

Christopher Sands says he has not slept or eaten properly since the bout began in February and he is now unable to concentrate on his music.

The 23-year-old from Lincoln has been recording his experience on the social networking site MySpace in “The hiccup diary”.

One entry reads: “Just had a really bad attack, I couldn’t breathe … I have tears streaming out of my eyes … really bad. I’m litterally (sic) getting my breath back now… that was bad.”

Mr Sands said the affliction - caused by a sudden involuntary squeezing of the diaphragm - makes him vomit after meals and has even landed him in hospital.

He has tried every home remedy, from drinking water from the opposite side of a glass to holding his breath, and has now enlisted the help of friends travelling abroad in the hope they may come across a cure.

He believes the problem may stem from an acid reflux problem he was diagnosed with as a child, which means a valve in his stomach is damaged, but he said that doctors have so far been unable to help.

The only thing that brings relief, he says, is drinking alcohol. “I wonder if the doctors are just going to start prescribing me vodka,” he writes. “It probably didn’t cure them i was just too drunk to care.”

Source: Telegraph
Tags: Hiccup | Cure

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